How could I ever forget the day I found out my baby no longer had a
heart beat?? Going to sleep that night seemed near impossible. The
weight of the world had just been dropped on my shoulders. What do I do
now? Any answers, were beyond me. Crying, I lay on my back in bed. The
blinds were opened, and I could see out of the window at the moon and
stars. I knew Thalia was "gone," and thinking she was in heaven happily
and safe, was far more comforting than admitting she had died.
Oddly, I worried that she would be lonely and afraid. I talked to her
and told her, I missed her. I said good night to her and told her not to
be sad that Mommy was crying. I recall the sinking emptiness inside of
me, wishing the hollowness would go away. I begged God to bring her
back. And I remember thinking I had failed terribly as a mother.
(July 2005) It has been almost five years since my Thalia received her
angel wings. Iíll never "get over" her death. However, I have learned to
take small steps forward toward healing. Iíve learned to find joy and
laughter again... but most importantly Iíve learned the preciousness of
I now celebrate the nine months I carried Thalia in my tummy. I honor
her life and speak of her often and with happiness. I am grateful that
in her death, Iíve grown and been taught many lessons about living life
in the moment.
I will never forget my pregnancy. The memory of Thaliaís curly hair, her
tiny feet, and her sweet face will forever be etched in my mind.
Likewise, I will never put out of my thoughts, hearing the doctor tell
me "I am sorry I cannot find a heart beat." I am not the same person I
was before Thalia died. My life has changed drastically. There is no
doubt in my heart and soul however that I have been blessed by Thaliaís
life and her death.
***Thalia's death was an umbilical cord "accident" at 40 weeks
gestation. She was born silently to the angels October 18th, 2000.
~~Thalia's Mommie - Princess Irene